- Kentucky Derby losers are not turned into Ikea meatballs.
- Dzhokhar Tsarnaev did not accidentally blow up vowels in his own name.
- The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco de Mayo.
- President Obama does not want to take away T-shirt guns.
- Most women have only two breasts.
- The Memphis Grizzlies are not a gay blues band.
- Scientology was not founded by I Ron Man.
- Bangladesh is not an 80s metal band.
- Peeking at ladies’ butts is not a background check.
- Actual crows do have feet.
- Pot pie is legal in every state.
- The California wildfires are not a soccer team.
- Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard.
- The NRA is not a branch of government.
- Foreign visas do not let Russian students go on shopping sprees.
- Rick Moranis was never put on death row for shrinking his children.
- New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel.
- A French press is not lifting weights with your tongue out.
- Lena Dunham is not a girl ventriloquist.
- Number 2 pencils are not sad that they lost.
- Plan B birth control is not masturbating.
- Justin Bieber and Anne Frank were not an item.
- President Obama did not just wake up in Mexico.
- F.A.A. does not stand for “Fart A**, A**”
- Croquettes are not female crocodiles.
- Kanye West is not an African American vacation destination.
- Syria is not Arabic for “serious.”
- Rice and beans are edible. Ricin beans are not.
- Casual Friday is not in the Bill of Rights.
- Sam Adams was not too drunk to sign the Constitution.
- The Gitmo prisoners are not working on their bodies.
- Force feeding is not how Jedi’s eat.
- Kevin Costner does not live in Watertown.
- Smurfs are not elected.
- Smurfs are not appointed.
- Smurfs are cartoons.
- Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle have been in the same room together.
- Anytime minutes don’t let you call the future.
- 4 and 3 are not basically the same thing.
- Rock beats scissors.
- Zach Braff is not the sound a trumpet makes.
YO BITCHEZ, LOVE DUNKAROOS?
WANT TO MAKE A MASS QUANTITY OF IT AND SAVE MONEY AT THE SAME TIME??
WELL HERE YOU FUCKING GO:
1 box funfetti cake mix (DO NOT add the ingredients that you usually would to actually make the cake - you need just the mix)
2 cups plain yogurt
1/2 container of cool whip.
Serve with animal crackers or graham crackers.
SIGNAL BOOST THIS. HELP ME FEED MY PEOPLE.
what the flying fuck is a dunkaroo?
hoLY FUCKING SHIT YESSSS
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN
“WHAT IS A DUNKAROO”!?
OH MY GOD I AM MAKING THIS ON WEDNESDAY
- me: time for bed
- stomach: LET'S EAT 15 CHEESEBURGERS WITH ICE CREAM CAKE AND POTATO CHIPS WITH AN ENTIRE TACO BELL ON THE SIDE
- brain: HEY REMEMBER ALL THOSE WORRIES, IDEAS, ASPIRATIONS AND OTHER ANXIOUS THOUGHTS WELL NOW YOU DO
- muscles: I HURT FOR AN UNEXPLAINED REASON LIKE ARE YOU GROWING DO YOU HAVE A DISEASE LOL IDK HELP
- skin: LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED ARE YOU ITCHY OR DID A SPIDER EGG SACK JUST BIRTH ON YOU
- ears: THERE'S A JET PLANE 500 MILES AWAY ALSO I THINK THE NEIGHBOR IS VACUUMING
- eyes: WOW EVER NOTICE HOW IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY INTO PITCH BLACKNESS YOU CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE
- mouth: IT'S DEATH VALLEY UP IN HERE
- body: HAVE FUN TOSSING AND TURNING FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS
- me: ok