#PartyLikeAHope

My academic career

thedefenderoftheearth:

2001:

Present:

(via flyntcoal)

I am going to walk down the aisle to the guitar solo in John Mayer’s Bold As Love.

Fox and Friends Corrections SNL

• Kentucky Derby losers are not turned into Ikea meatballs.
• Dzhokhar Tsarnaev did not accidentally blow up vowels in his own name.
• The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco de Mayo.
• President Obama does not want to take away T-shirt guns.
• Most women have only two breasts.
• The Memphis Grizzlies are not a gay blues band.
• Scientology was not founded by I Ron Man.
• Bangladesh is not an 80s metal band.
• Peeking at ladies’ butts is not a background check.
• Actual crows do have feet.
• Pot pie is legal in every state.
• The California wildfires are not a soccer team.
• Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard.
• The NRA is not a branch of government.
• Foreign visas do not let Russian students go on shopping sprees.
• Rick Moranis was never put on death row for shrinking his children.
• New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel.
• A French press is not lifting weights with your tongue out.
• Lena Dunham is not a girl ventriloquist.
• Number 2 pencils are not sad that they lost.
• Plan B birth control is not masturbating.
• Justin Bieber and Anne Frank were not an item.
• President Obama did not just wake up in Mexico.
• F.A.A. does not stand for “Fart A**, A**”
• Croquettes are not female crocodiles.
• Kanye West is not an African American vacation destination.
• Syria is not Arabic for “serious.”
• Rice and beans are edible. Ricin beans are not.
• Casual Friday is not in the Bill of Rights.
• Sam Adams was not too drunk to sign the Constitution.
• The Gitmo prisoners are not working on their bodies.
• Force feeding is not how Jedi’s eat.
• Kevin Costner does not live in Watertown.
• Smurfs are not elected.
• Smurfs are not appointed.
• Smurfs are cartoons.
• Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle have been in the same room together.
• Anytime minutes don’t let you call the future.
• 4 and 3 are not basically the same thing.
• Rock beats scissors.
• Zach Braff is not the sound a trumpet makes.

gru-ff:

you’ve become so
damaged, that when
someone wants to
give you, what you
deserve
you have no idea,
how to respond. 

(Source: itsonlyyforever, via electricblondie)

• me: time for bed
• stomach: LET'S EAT 15 CHEESEBURGERS WITH ICE CREAM CAKE AND POTATO CHIPS WITH AN ENTIRE TACO BELL ON THE SIDE
• brain: HEY REMEMBER ALL THOSE WORRIES, IDEAS, ASPIRATIONS AND OTHER ANXIOUS THOUGHTS WELL NOW YOU DO
• muscles: I HURT FOR AN UNEXPLAINED REASON LIKE ARE YOU GROWING DO YOU HAVE A DISEASE LOL IDK HELP
• skin: LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED ARE YOU ITCHY OR DID A SPIDER EGG SACK JUST BIRTH ON YOU
• ears: THERE'S A JET PLANE 500 MILES AWAY ALSO I THINK THE NEIGHBOR IS VACUUMING
• eyes: WOW EVER NOTICE HOW IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY INTO PITCH BLACKNESS YOU CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE
• mouth: IT'S DEATH VALLEY UP IN HERE
• body: HAVE FUN TOSSING AND TURNING FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS
• me: ok